Part Three
The solution lies in the relationship, not in the problem
 
Triggers
 
Triggers usually result in an intense response to a situation.
Triggers are stored-up resentments, regrets, insecurities, anger, fear, or hurt.
Triggers and hooks are a two way street. We can knowingly or unknowingly trigger a response from someone else. Similarly, we can find ourselves on the receiving end.
Recognize your own triggers and take care of yourself. Remove yourself from the situation in order to lessen your response. Triggers can be used against you as a form of black mail (button pushing)which often deflects from the real situation.
Traits that make people vulnerable to emotional blackmail are Guilt, Fear, and a sense of Obligation.
Keep track of your family member’s behaviour. See if there are consistencies with situations that produce outbursts.
See if there is anything external that initiates behaviour.
If you can lessen or avoid trigger, do so.
Keep in mind that triggers are beyond their control at this point in time.
 
Hanging Tough While Taking Care of the Relationship.
 
Taking care of yourself and having clear boundaries models healthy behaviour to your loved one.
How to get in touch with your inner self:
            I statements
            Remove should and have to from your vocabulary
            Be spontaneous. Do something small, or large, every day.
Laugh
Take care of your inner zing first. This allows time to consider your action and how you want to interact with the other person.
  When dealing with behaviours such as blaming, lying, name calling etc ., remember it isn’t actually the action that is the problem,  it is the message it sends:
  1. You don’t matter. You are not valuable.
  2. Remember triggers?  Don’t jump at hooks. Stick to your goals
  3. Relax and breathe.
  4. Hold on to a positive view of what a more equitable relationship would look like (Goals)
  5. Be prepared to defend your rights.
  6. Engage your loved one in the problem. Make them part of the solution.
  7. Establish the fairness of what you are asking (I statements)
  8. Ask for their input.
Make a mental sidestep. Ask yourself:
  1. How would I act if this were not my family member? Imagine instead that it was a neighbour or an acquaintance. Of course you know what to do because this goes back to YOUR BOUNDARY, not their behaviour.
  2. What would I tell a friend to do?

Consequences
 
Natural and logical consequences: result of a choice or action that follows the laws of nature (eg. if it’s raining and I don’t wear my coat I will get wet). Action and consequence are directly linked and dependent.
Punishment: arbitrarily decided result of action. External control. May or may not have any direct relationship with original action (eg. not allowed to come out for dinner if room is not clean).
 
Natural and logical consequences are far better teachers than we are.
 
Rescue: We interfere with the natural consequence.
Support: We are there for family member, to help and guide (if asked for!) them through the process.
 
Modeling positive behaviour and having healthy boundaries are the most important things we can do. If you are happy, confident, and an interesting person to be with, then people will want to have meaningful healthy relationships with you. 
 
 
Sources:
Glasser, William, Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, Harper Collins, 1998.
Mason, PT and R. Kreger, Stop Walking on Eggshells, Taking Back Your Life When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, New Harbinger Publications, 1998.