Part One
Everything that will be presented in the following discussion is based
on one single premise that needs to be kept in mind at all times.
The only person I can control is myself
When a family member is diagnosed with a mental
illness we oftentimes become so intent on taking care of their needs
and keeping them safe, that we forget how to take care of ourselves. In
effect, we become, in our minds, responsible for them, for their
choices, behaviours, health and happiness. But this is unreasonable.
Remember: I can only control myself. Your responsibility is to know who
YOU are, to act according to your values and beliefs, and to
communicate these needs clearly and reasonably to people that matter to
you.
When it comes to mental health you didn’t cause
it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it. By becoming
responsible for someone else’s behaviour (trying to control it) you
take that responsibility away from the one person who can control it.
Behaviour
“Total Behaviour “ (William Glasser, Choice Theory)
is made up of 4 components
Acting, Thinking, Feeling, Physiology
Dr. Glasser maintains that all behaviour is chosen
but that we can only control Acting and Thinking.
Behaviour is driven by the need to satisfy 5 basic
needs
Survival, Love and belonging, Power, Freedom, and
Fun
The most important is being loved and belonging.
Without these the other 3 are at risk.
Relationships are the most important things we have
with other people.
ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF THE RELATIONSHIP
When in doubt about an action ask yourself if this
will help or harm the relationship.
Trying to get someone else to change their behaviour
(external control because the change did not come from within the
individual) results in people disconnecting from each other. It
destroys relationships, rather than builds or strengthens them.
Relationships and our Habits (Glasser, Choice Theory)
Seven Caring Habits
Seven Deadly Habits
Supporting
Criticizing
Encouraging
Blaming
Listening
Complaining
Accepting
Nagging
Trusting
Threatening
Respecting
Punishing
Negotiating differences
Bribing or rewarding
Every healthy relationship comes with certain rights for each person.
Among these are the right to:
Emotional support
Be heard with courtesy and respect
Our own views and opinions
To be free of emotional or physical abuse
Boundaries
The best way to take care of
anyone else is to take care of oneself.
This begins with recognizing and honouring personal
limits.
We all need boundaries.
Boundaries tell us where we begin and end.
Boundaries give us form and protect us.
Boundaries define us- our beliefs, how we treat
others, how we respond in any situation.
Healthy boundaries are flexible. They grow and
change with us.
We each have different limits, tolerances,
self-definition, goals…. And it is YOUR responsibility to know where
your unique boundaries lie.
Personal limits and boundaries require awareness.
They are inherent in each one of us and are necessary for our sense of
well-being. For this reason they should not be relegated to responses
triggered by someone else’s behaviour or actions. We need to come up
with a plan and a focus to keep us on track especially when our
boundaries are not being respected. This plan involves:
Identifying our needs
Setting goals to achieve those that are not being met
Knowing how we are going to handle these challenges
Countermoves
and How to Deal with Them
People with mental health illnesses have 3 basic
reactions when you hand over responsibility or set limits on what you
are willing to accept : mild disagreement, intense disagreement,
threats.
Mild: name calling, blaming you, you are the bad one…
and
Intense: scenes, tantrums, shut down
Approach: Reflective listening
See in
gray
Let me think
about it
Do not get
caught between people
Hang tough.
Remember your opinions are as valid as theirs.
Countermoves don’t mean that what you’ve asked for
is unreasonable. It is that it is difficult.
If countermoves are severe or threatening:
Get outside help from a professional.
Have a crisis plan ready.
Seek support for yourself.
Rages
Accept that there is nothing you can do when someone
is in a rage. You must look after your own safety and well-being.
Temporarily remove yourself from the situation.
Stay calm
Reflect their behaviour (later)
Do not:
Ignore or accept rage
Take out frustration on others
Try to soothe loved one’s feelings.
Physical threats
Remove yourself from the situation.
Be prepared to call for help.
Self-harm (cutting,
burning)
Acknowledge that you see this as a reflection of hurt, panic…
Treat wound as you would if it was caused by an accident.
Seek medical attention if wound is serious.
Threats of Suicide
Risks are unacceptable. Always
Get professional help!
Express concern and give support to them while maintaining your
boundaries.
Act as a mirror. You want them to CHOOSE life.
Do not:
Get into a discussion about whether or not they are serious.
Confront or accuse them of manipulation.